My brother has a saying he is quite fond of: “Expectations lead to disappointment, disappointment to frustration, and frustration to anger.” In my marriage and in the raising of my kids (in any relationship, really), I’ve seen that play out far too many times.

Yesterday, I listened to a presentation by Steve Chandler titled “Expectations vs. Agreement.” It discussed the same thought process as my brother’s statement and took it a step further.

His challenge is to have no expectations at all, and where necessary to create agreements instead. As I listened to him, I realized that this was a shift Donna and I have made. Over the last ten years, I have practiced having no expectations of Donna. And over those years, I’ve watched our relationship blossom in every area.

I used to expect her to handle the kids the way I would have done it, and when she did things differently I got upset. I used to expect her to handle money in a certain way, and when it wasn’t handled that way, I got upset. When we would attend parties, I would expect her to act some way, and when she didn’t I got upset. Interestingly enough, this occurs the most (and I still have to work on this) when we are going somewhere—I expect to leave the house right on time, and she tries to get as much done on the way out the door as possible.

We have a tremendous amount of peace in our house and in our relationship these days, and I realize it is because I have let go, or am letting go of expectations. Where necessary, we create agreements, but everything else is expectation-free. Not having expectations drive me leaves room for gratitude in their place. Everything that Donna does, I can be grateful for—since I have no expectation around it, there is no disappointment causing me angst.

There are things we have come to agreements around. If the kids go to her for money, they are redirected to me. I put the toilet seat down. I don’t leave my clothes lying around the house. I rinse my dishes and put them in the dishwasher when I am finished with them. We’ve talked about these things and created agreements with one another that we do our best to keep. And everywhere possible, we simply have no expectations.

I would have thought that letting go of expectations would cause things to fall apart, go undone, develop into chaos, etc. Actually it has been just the opposite. Letting go of expectations and where necessary creating agreements has brought peace.

Abandoning expectations has been a major factor in maintaining our loving and committed relationship.